I recently started riding an electric bike and it fills me with great shame.

Or at least it did…until recently. Who knew a bicycle with a battery and a little motor would be so fraught with emotional baggage? It seems this bike has given me a front-row seat to the underbelly of both 1) the bike commute culture in Portland, and 2) my own psyche of self-judgment.

Let’s start with the latter, shall we?

I’ve been intrigued with the idea of getting an electric bike for years, but always ran up against an inner monologue that said it would be “cheating.” I’ve been a bike commuter (of the fair-weather variety, mostly) for over a decade. I have always viewed riding my bike to work as exercise.

Riding an electric bike (or E-bike) would all but eliminate the exercise component, so it was a non-starter. I have two friends, Ingrid and Michelle, who ride electric bikes. But they both commute with two children on their bikes, so that didn’t seem like “cheating” to me.

Michelle’s kids, Addie and Liam, on their first electric biking voyage.

Ingrid, with Becket and Willa. DEFINITELY not cheating!

It seems my “it’s cheating” mindset is deeply intertwined with the role bike commuting has played in my own personal journey toward becoming healthier. Subconsciously, I viewed an electric bike as sliding backwards toward becoming unhealthy and inactive, and that is a very scary slippery slope for me.

As my after-work running routine starting winding up this past winter, I found myself bike commuting less and less. Not because of bad weather, but because the idea of riding 50 minutes home (much of it uphill) on my bike after running was just too much. I had to pick one or the other…bike commute, or go for a run. As such, more often than not I found myself taking the light-rail train or carpooling with Glenn to get to work so I could get in a run.

I hated having to choose between bike commuting or running after work with these two yahoos (Fritz and Glenn).

One day while sitting in gridlocked traffic in the car with Glenn I realized I didn’t think of carpooling or transit as “cheating,” so why was a bike with a motor any different? In that moment I gave myself permission to think of an electric bike simply as a mode of transportation — not exercise — and everything fell into place.

I bought my electric bike that very weekend.

Now that I’m riding my E-bike, I find myself struggling with a different dynamic. It’s hard to describe, but there is a vibe I feel from interacting with other non-electric bike commuters.

It varies from day to day, and person to person…but it most often feels like judgment, frustration and/or consternation. Not to stereotype (which is exactly what someone says before they proceed to stereotype), but the level of the icky-vibe I sense seems to be directly proportional to the level of testosterone, spandex and/or skinny jeans involved.

I have no doubt that some of it is real, much of it is imagined, and a good portion of it is just a projection of my own hang-ups.

To a non-bike commuter, the line of cyclists in the bike lane probably looks like a merry band of folks moseying home after a long day of work. In reality, there is an intricate dance going on as bikers jockey for position (everyone has a different pace after all), all while trying not to get run over by passing drivers or doored by someone exiting a parked car. It’s generally quite congenial, but there are a lot of social dynamics going on just under the surface.

In all of my years of bike commuting, I’ve never really been in the middle of that. I’ve always been the slow rider, hugging the far right curb of the bike lane in an effort to get out of everyone’s way as they passed me. I’m not a fast biker (unless gravity assisted!) and have always been quite content to bumble along on my heavy, upright commuter bike.

When I was young my parents forced me to participate in organized bike races.

I hated it. For no specific reason other than I hated all forms of exercise at that age – especially exercise that required my 13-year old self to wear tight, padded spandex shorts in public. I also wasn’t any good at it. One time I almost won a race because the entire pack of racers had crashed rounding the final corner and I was the only one still upright because I was so far behind them. They were busy detangling their limbs from each others’ bikes and frantically trying to straighten bent wheels as I came toddling though the carnage unscathed.

Me in all of my teenage bike racing glory…no doubt way behind the pack of other racers.

My electric bike is fast. Really, really fast.

Which means I now find myself having to negotiate and navigate the subtle, yet complex world of Portland’s bike commuter culture in a way I’ve never had to before. As a result, I’m constantly second-guessing my place in the bike lane pecking order.

I wait to pass other bikers until I am certain I won’t get stuck at a red light with them, as I dread any interaction with bikers coming up behind me in (I assume) judgment. It’s not lost on me that I’m 30 pounds overweight and if I got more exercise by not “cheating” with an electric bike, maybe that wouldn’t be the case. I’ve thought that myself (see the discussion above that started this whole thing), so it’s not unreasonable to assume others are thinking that too.

I fully admit that much of my fear of a negative interaction is my own fantasy, yet I’ve had enough tense situations to also justify my concern. For example, I’ve had other bikers yell things like “excuse you” as I pass (even though I give them plenty of space), or stand up and start sprinting when they see I’m moving to pass, or physically block me from getting back into the line of bikers when passing is no longer safe, etc.

I would have thought I was just imagining these things, but my friend Ingrid has shared similar stories of her experiences with the more competitive echelon of Portland’s bike commuter scene. It seems getting passed by a woman of color with two kids in tow is on par with being passed by an overweight woman in an over-abundance of brightly colored safety gear. We mess with the natural order of things, I guess.

I’ve been working on not letting the real — and imagined — dynamics with other bike commuters get to me.

I’ve been riding my electric bike for 6-months, and am really just now to the point where I feel comfortable airing my “dirty little secret” more publicly (hence this blog post). I never expected that having a tiny motor help propel me down the road would bring up so much self-judgment and concern about what others think of me.

I’ve never really struggled with that before. I mean, I look ridiculous on my bike even on a good day, and what others think of me has always been the least of my concerns.

Exhibit A: I bought chemistry lab goggles to go over my glasses because the rain kept getting in my eyes. I think they nicely accent my blinky helmet, don’t you?  I have a thumb mounted squeegee for when the raindrops build up. Clearly, I’m unconcerned with what others think about me out there on my bike…or so I had thought.

In the end, my bike is a total kick in the pants.

I test rode 6 different models. Each had a very different feel in terms of the motor-assist (some peppy, some gentle) and the sound (some a quiet hum, some like a jet plane taking off). If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you’ll know I’m a big adrenaline junkie. The greater the danger, the more I want to try it (speed, heights, and predators to name just a few of my adventures). Not surprisingly, I picked the fastest bike in my price-range and I am having a blast. It has cut my bike commute time in half, and I can now go running after work and still bike home without being exhausted.

The form of my bike commuting has changed dramatically over the years. There is no reason to believe that things won’t continue to evolve.

I first started commuting on a recumbent bike because a regular bike was too painful due to my weight.

It was an exciting day when I was physically able to start riding an upright bike to work.

My new motorized ride. Honeydew and Linus are decidedly unimpressed.

At this point in my life, an electric bike gives me the freedom to quickly and effortlessly get from Point A to Point B with great joy. Who knows what the future may hold – but for now I’m going to be proud of my new ride as I whiz about town enjoying the wind in my hair (if only through my bike helmet vents) and the bugs in my teeth!

Check-out the video below if you want to take a spin on my electric bike with me (and Ingrid).